In Ten (Relatively) Easy Steps
1. This is a stop sign. So is this. This, this, and this is not. This is a stop sign in Canada. You should not need to remember the last part mainly because this post is concerned only with stop signs in California. *WARNING* If you should come upon a stop sign closely resembling the one depicted in the final image, YOU ARE NOT IN CALIFORNIA!!! You are in Canada. Other indications of being in Canada include sightings of Celine Dion, a sign that reads “Niagara Falls next left,” and people trying to sell you maple syrup. “Eh?” you might ask yourself. Don’t panic! When in doubt, travel SOUTH!
2. Now that you can correctly identify a Californian stop sign, we must talk about the correct way to approach one. But wait–don’t move! Is your ride pimping? If yes, you may proceed to the next instruction. If no, you may think about installing a set of spinning rims or a bad-ass speaker system. These little additions will make a huge difference in the long run. Personally, we think if the technique is good, what you drive is of little consequence. Naturally, we can’t all sport Chevys, Buicks, Regals, or Ribbys. But the beauty of California is that it is a very accepting place that embraces all sorts of diversity fun.
3. Now that your ride is pimping, it is time to go “rolling with the homies”. One must be in the state of “rolling with the homies” when approaching a stop sign, and one must seek to return to said state just after the stop sign. During the stop sign, one will still be “rolling with the homies,” only slower. This implies that you must have “homies” (and that they must allow themselves to be referred to as just that). There are many ways to make homies (even when you are not at home!), and we highly encourage you to go out and try to find some before tackling this tricky stop sign business. Before we proceed, there IS a difference between “homies” and a “posse”. You cannot have a “posse” until you have mastered the stop signs, among other things. And you cannot tackle stop signs without “homies”. All will come to you in due time. Don’t sweat it.
4. So you got the ride, you got the homies, and you’re rolling–that is truly fab! Congrats, you are obvi. on the way to true Californianhood. Unfortunately, rolling with the homies is not much fun without some sweet sounds to accompany you. The choice of music is possibly the most important decision you will make as you approach your stop sign. The music should suit the mood, the occasion, the time of day, the name of the street, the color of your cap. It should embody everything that is surrounding you–it should be metonymic of the very atmosphere it comprises. As a general rule of thumb, avoid this, this, and this. You may also want to avoid this.
If you play this, you shall be mauled by rabid squirrels. Beware.
Some smart choices include “Ghost Ride It” by Mistah Fab, “I Wear My Stunna Glasses at Night” by The Federation, and “Bay Slang” by the Hyphy Boyz. Acceptable is “This is Why I’m Hot” by M.I.M.S., because he mentions Hyphy and calls it “Sac-town”. Even though no one we know calls it “Sac-town”. It still sounds pretty cool.
5. Windows dowwwwwn, system uppppp.
6. Stop signs are made to be noticed (as are all things bright red and octagonal on your side of the road). The challenge thus is not to not notice a stop sign, but to successfully deny its existence until the last possible moment. Or at least to pretend to have denied its existence all along. To the homies, as well as to the unsuspecting onlooker, it must appear as though you are cruising along and then, a stop sign! upon which you will effortlessly execute the proper stop sign maneuver and, Voila! Beautiful. Naturally, you shall endure a grueling internal struggle throughout the entirety of this seemingly casual ritual. You must not let on. Stoicism is key. The stop sign is nothing!! The stop sign is everything! Find your inner road marker!
7. Almost there! Now, the next step is crucial. CRUCIAL. So crucial, in fact, that I have decided to write it out in code so that everyone in San Jose can understand. Ready?
void stopDammit() {
if (copOnCorner()) {
stop();
} else {
rollWithHomies();
}
}
Execute it.
8. Other good reasons to actually stop include this, this, this, and this. If no such thing appears, proceed to step 10. (If the last one appears, do call us. This is a serious traffic hazard that must be taken care of promptly and properly).
9. Finally! The stage is set for the most difficult part, and the true test of both your patience and agility. Approach the intersection head on (never arrive at an angle–oblique motion is a tell-tale sign of inexperience). Press down on the brakes smoothly and with calm cool control. This is an art form. Timing is everything. Imagine yourself a French aristocrat strolling the gorgeous grounds of Louis XIV’s palace at Versailles. Think aloof, debonair; picture yourself exhaling in ecstasy while exclaiming <<Ces jardins sont merveilleux!>>. Put your stunna shades on to help you concentrate as you glance both ways nonchalantly to make sure no other cars got there before you. If they did (les bastards!) inch forward very very slowly until they have passed, then continue on your way. Use the recovery period to work up to the speed you were cruising at contently before the blasted stop sign popped up. It should be seamless and professional. As a final touch, turn your cap backwards as you pull away, as if to say, “I would protest this being here, but my life is preoccupied already by this rolling with the homies business, and really, I’m just too chill to care.”
10. Do not get discouraged if your first few attempts are unsuccessful: a beginner’s mind is a beautiful place to start. Practice. A lot. Check to make sure you are in the proper state/nation/continent, and possess all the necessary equipment. Try changing homies or cars. If nothing seems to work, you may be hopeless. Try moving to Canada. That’s NORTH of here. They actually stop at stop signs there (we think).
How to Discuss a Stop Sign
This too is tricky business, but generally, it is considered good form to let a minute or so pass before commenting on an event, especially something as major as a stop sign. Usually, a homie will speak up first, expressing her opinion slowly and clearly while others nod in agreement. Your task is to essentially repeat what she said, with slight variation. For example,
She says: “Dude, that stop sign was like…whoa dude.”
You reply: “It was like, totally whoa, dude.”
Or,
She says: “Man, that stop sign was like chill, man.”
You say: “It was like, hella chill, man.”
“Totally” and “hella” are great intensifiers to add to your vocabulary. “Totally” is an adverb formed by taking the word for “sum” or “compilation of absolutely everything” and adding “-ly”; “hella” originated from the Latin word “helluor,” meaning to guzzle or to gormandize, or possibly from “helleborus” the name of a plant said to contain the recipe for madness. Do try and avoid using the two intensifiers in combination. For example, with the expression “That’s sweet!” one might be justified in saying “That’s totally sweet!” or even “That’s hella sweet!” But never ever “That’s totally hella sweet.” That’s like a double positive. People will laugh and throw things at you. Just say no.
Please note that while “Totally” can totally be used with “legit” (as in, “that’s totally legit!”), “hella” is used less so in this context. “That’s hella legit!” while being grammatically correct, is seldom encountered. However, one would be entirely justified in using it if one so wishes.
Congratulations! You are now ready to tackle a stop sign in the Golden State!
.**
